First off, please play this lovely song as you read. It only adds to the passion of the post.
I was born a leader. I never fell into the crowd. I was made by God to show we may be his flock- but we each own a unique soul. Mine happens to be a bit more open than many. I gave my will away. I gave my fate. My faith. My heart. My soul. I named a Master. He accepted.
We were both wrong. He was not ready to claim me as a partner in life, my needs not being as important as his own. He failed the concept of love. He failed the concept of faith. He has chosen to settle in a half life. God gave him that free will- to settle or to soar- that is his choice. I had no right to offer a man my total self. I own my heart, fate and faith. My soul is not mine to give.
Mistake. Moments ago, reading the word shredded my heart. But mistakes are made. We all make them, flawed humans that we are. See, I- I can own the mistake and look you dead in the eye and tell you even with the mistake- I hold no regret. I loved a man. I love a man. If you love someone once- you love them forever. My mistake was only giving him all of me without saving any for myself. I am claiming that back now- though, he will always hold a part of me. I must claim the bigger half.
Love is what? Love is friendship. Love is laughter. Love is that needing someone when the best things in life happen- that person you want to be the first to know. Love is aching. Love is missing someone when they are missing. Love is that person you also want to share your lowest moments with- those fears- those failures, because with love- they love all of you and fears and failures only make them hold you closer. Love is the feeling of two hands feeling made for one another. Love is silence when it is comfortable because your eyes say I love you. Love is losing track of time because that person seems to make the world stand still. Love is communication. Love is holding on. Love is knowing it is never perfect. But it is worth it.
Passion is carnal. Passion is often mistaken for cheapness. Sex is sex- and can easily be cheap and fill a void for a matter of moments, but once the sex is over, the void grows larger.
Passion holds. Passion binds. Passion is belonging. Passion is feeling. Passion is that missing piece. Passion is no limits. Passion is touching the flesh of another and feeling like you are sliding into your own skin, as if it were missing all along. Passion grasps the impulse of desire and raw need and twines it with the love of the friendship- the partner- the missing piece and makes it a memory you hold no shame in when you talk to God about it.
The acts of passion- these are different for different souls. Some couples may lay beneath white cotton sheets and whisper sonnets with soft strokes of that deep connection. Some souls may look into the eyes of each other and see the rim of burning flames- the need to feel every sensation under the human capability- be it pleasure or pain- to say they shared this with their “one”…and when it is right- there is no need to talk, to ask- You can read the eyes, you can read the flesh and together- you move as if the scene has been written and well read.
Mistakes happen. Mistakes are one of those things you know a split second in that it is indeed, a mistake and you stop- You work from that moment to correct it. Regret works the same way. I know it instantly. Anyone that tries to convince themselves otherwise is living their own life for others, not themselves, which is sad- Since God gave us each a life to life. Why would you ever live yours for someone else? That is like saying the one God gave them was not good enough so you are helping pick up his slack.
My life. My mistakes. Never regrets.
Love and passion. What is life without it?
What do I care what anyone thinks of my loves or passions when I speak so freely of them with my maker, the Master of my soul, the giver of my free will.
God gives us free will to choose a mate. If we cannot make it work- if they are not the one- God, the good Master he is, you know, he will jump in- He will send that missing piece. He will send someone to adore you. I believe this.
I can pray. I can ask his guidance. He will give it. You just have to close your mouth and open the eyes of your soul to see his reply.
I talk to God about poetry. I talk to him about holding hands. I talk to him about laying awake restless knowing the way I fall asleep so quickly on the chest of someone he sent me. I talk to him about coffee and homeless men taking the time to notice the happiness of people falling in love. I talk to him about long talks by the pool and gummy bears. I talk to him about the way a song plays on the radio at just the right time- because I think he plays it for me, to keep my mind where it needs to be.
Also, I talk to him about the taste of of lips when I love you is said with a kiss. I talk to him about the beauty I feel when my flaws show clearly against my flesh when standing nude in front of the right one. I talk to him about how someone can smell my scent three thousand miles away in a crowd. I talk to him about how I can walk in pain daily, with each step- yet how my pain vanishes in the ropes of passion with the one that promised me forever. I talk to God about how to please a man that keeps me happy enough for butterflies to land freely on my shoulders. And the pain. I talk to God about the pain I ask the man to give me. Not because I am sick or disturbed, but because the man knows my limits without asking. The pain the man God sent me touches my flesh in a spiritual pleasure that erased the emotional pain every other man ever lashed upon me. This does not have to be understood by anyone. It is understood by God, the man he sent and myself. What else do we need?
So mistakes. Sure. He made them. I rebuke the thought that my existence would be a mistake. Maybe the way he handled the gift God gave him- me, to adore him. My mistake was placing his needs over mine and God’s place as my Master, followed by me as Master of my own fate. He could be Master of parts of me. But my mistake was giving him all of me. I do not regret anything I learn from. If I never see him again, I know I will cross his mind every single day. Especially when he talks to God. And if we ever get it right, he will have to Master his own fate. I will master my own and together, in love, God will be our Master- and if he fails. God will not let me suffer alone. I gave this man, my missing piece, a large piece of me. So either he returns as my missing piece with the new one I gave him- Or one day, God sends me the one the can complete the new missing piece.
Either way. God Masters my soul. I master my fate. I am THE Kat Daughtry. I am a precious gift.